Fanfic: Deep Waters Closing Over Our Heads by xparrot

[bonibaru]

Title:
Creator Link(s): xparrot xparrot
Canon: Drama
Type: Fanfic
Category: M/M
Length/Size: 39782
Characters/Ships: Shen Wei/Zhao Yunlan
Rating: Teen and up
Warnings: Chapter-specific warning (Ch 8): situation potentially leading to non-con (no actual non-con occurs).
Themes: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Consent, Established Relationship, Post-Canon. Author's caveats: alien physiology h/c; not ABO, no smut.
Collection: none
Summary:

"...And you don't want that."

Shen Wei shuddered. "No."

Why I'm Reccing This: The alien physiology angle of Shen Wei being Dixingren and what that might mean is occasionally explored in Guardian fandom. Sometimes that happens in an ABO-genre setting. But in this story, Dixingren go through a type of mating cycle - not ABO, but instead progressively entering a state where their bodies and minds are biochemically subsumed until that powerful drive takes them completely over - similar to the Star Trek universe's Vulcan pon-farr (only without the blood-or-death caveat of pon-farr: not having sex, if one can somehow manage to prevent it, is a viable choice for Dixingren and no one has to fight or die). Shen Wei, a very tightly controlled character, knows what's coming and has to prepare to live through the loss of his control as well as the physical strain and suffering that will come along with the overwhelming biological imperative.

This fic explores - very deftly, from Zhao Yunlan's point of view - what that means for Shen Wei in terms of having a Haixingren partner and lover who wants to help him through a physical/mental/emotional ordeal, and what it means for Zhao Yunlan in terms of his own struggles to break through Shen Wei's resistance and self-imposed isolation, trying to be the supportive partner he so badly wants to be. Shen Wei's battle against his own body can't be easily hidden like what he experienced in show canon after the longevity dial energy exchange, so it leaves him vulnerable, humiliated and exposed. There's a scene that strikes me to the heart in which it's evident that what a worried Shen Wei wants to be the outcome - Zhao Yunlan leaving, allowing him to deal with his impending loss of control alone - is the absolute worst possible choice in Zhao Yunlan's eyes. That's not a conflict that's easily overcome at the best of times. Watching Zhao Yunlan try to map out the best solution when, for Shen Wei, talking about what he feels/needs/wants and allowing someone to share the parts of him he desires to keep hidden is still new territory to be navigated daily, all while his mental and physical control is eroding by the hour, is emotionally riveting.

Consent is tagged because it's an underlying theme tied in to the loss of control for Shen Wei - he cannot consent to a biological drive, it's coming whether he wants it or not - but also deeply woven through the choices Zhao Yunlan makes. Zhao Yunlan is only certain that he doesn't have all the information he needs, but that he wants to do what's best for Shen Wei as long as that doesn't mean abandoning him to ride it out alone. The physicality of what could happen if everything goes off the rails, is one thing. The emotional consequences, though, if something goes terribly wrong - those could be deep and lasting for them both, and where stories in this family of tropes sometimes fall flat. The way Xparrot handles each of their thoughts and actions around both the giving and the giving-up of consent is thought-provoking, sensitive, and not hand-wavey in the least.

At one point they're trying to have a conversation about how best to manage Shen Wei's physical comfort, and they're not coming at things from the same direction, Shen Wei trying to please Zhao Yunlan but also making increasingly self-sacrificing suggestions that Zhao Yunlan strongly opposes on the grounds of his own principles, until Shen Wei finally says: "I'm sorry, Zhao Yunlan, I don't--I don't know what you want me to do," and I felt my heart break for them both right there in my very own chest. Fortunately, the tags said Hurt/Comfort and not just Hurt, so don't worry. Xparrot had put all three of us back together, emotionally too, by the end.

Fanwork Link(s): Deep Waters Closing Over Our Heads

Comments

[sakana17]

creator: tag added. The length: 20k-50k tag exists, but I'm wondering if some of the tags I proactively created (length, runtime, canon) don't show to comm members when posting, if they've never been used before. That would...be annoying.

[bonibaru]

That was the problem I ran into before. Rana insisted tags existed, and I did not see them in the list. I don't see 20k-50k in the list. Nor 10k-20k.

[sakana17]

Yeah, 20k-50k is not showing up in the comm's "most popular tags" box, either, though other tags with just one usage are showing up. 20k-50k is showing up here though, and is tagged in your post. (10k-20k isn't showing up because it hasn't been assigned yet.) I'll look into our tag settings some more. This behavior was not something we expected.

[sakana17]

I'm able to change the setting so at least the 20k-50k now appears in the tags sidebar. As more tags are created, the sidebar is going to become a beast, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For the posting settings, there's no control over availability of pre-created tags, so that sucks. I think we'll need a FAQ that covers more tagging specifics, but for now, reccers will need to ask for the tags they don't see. If the tag already exists, it's easy for the admin to add it, and then the tag should start appearing.

I'm really sorry if I came across as rude or grumpy in my first reply! I had no idea this is how DW tags worked, and since I'm an admin, I of course see all the tags, even the ones with 0 uses.

[bonibaru]

You did not! It is all good.

[ranalore]

Oh no! I'm so sorry, boni, I have been sick and so forgot to communicate this issue to Keiko. *facepalm*

[bonibaru]

No apologies for practicing self care!

[umadoshi]

This story is just phenomenal. *^^* I was hearing about it before I even started watching Guardian, and when I read it, it lived up to the love I'd seen for it.

[bonibaru]

I have read a lot of h/c and fics about fears of losing control & loss of agency in *checks diary* over two decades and this is hands down one of the most adept takes on that trope and these two characters that I think it would ever be possible to write.

[xparrot]

Oh wow, thank you so much for this! This story was less me trying to do something than me trying to figure out and feel my way through what I wanted, and so hearing what others got out of it is the most fascinating thing to me!

[umadoshi]

It's SO GOOD. *^^*